Do people call you baby face because of your smooth, hairless, and youthful face? It’s not that you can’t grow a mustache it’s just that you get more compliments on how young your face looks.

What’s that push broom doing under you nose? Oh, it’s a mustache, nice. You think your soup strainer will clearly depict your masculinity but sometimes it’s better just to put on a suit and investigate a crime scene while wearing sunglasses at night.

Your mustache lost it’s depth a little, and by a little we mean it’s almost non-existent anymore. Hey, it’s a work in progress. Sure, you can shave your nose cozy but how else could you look professional in a suit while investigate a crime scene as you wearing sunglasses at night?

Your chin has a nice little, um, sweater? Yes, you are in high school, but you love it when people mistake you for the new teacher with the interesting facial hair because you feel like it gives you a sense of authority over everyone else. and you feel like making the gullible people believe it too.

…

Jimmy get to work.

Your face fluff is majestic, let everyone agree on that. It’s truly impressive, but not as impressive as Mr. Dixon’s beard (just being honest). Your favorite part of the day is when someone accidentally asks for a photo because they think you’re the keyboardist of an underground indie band when in reality you flaunt your cheek sweater as a symbol of your ruggedness.

You have stubble, which sends out the vibe that you just don’t give a shizzle about that algebra test next hour, but really your sandpaper skin will do no such thing because you know that algebra test is worth like twenty percent of your grade and you need a 95 percent in order to keep your solid B- for the quarter.

Now strut your face fur (or lack of) with confidence, now knowing, what your facial hair says about you.